Tales from the Avengers
by Corsair5587
Summary: Everyone knows what the Avengers when evil's afoot, but what happens during a lull. This story explains just that.
1. Chapter 1

_**Tales from the Avengers**_

**Chapter 1: Don't Mess with the Eye Patch**

Captain America, Thor, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Bruce Banner, sat around an octagonal glass table on the Helicarrier. The table had the SHIELD logo embedded in the glass. In front of Captain America was a black phone and in his right hand was the takeout menu for Pizza Hut. That's right. The Avengers weren't awaiting an assignment brief, they were about to order dinner. But, they didn't exactly agree on what to order.

"Thor, for the last time they don't serve goat on pizza." Captain America groaned. "Okay, so we're getting a large supreme right?" the soldier asked. "I thought we were getting a veggie." said Widow. "I thought we were getting meat lovers!" Thor bellowed as he pounded his fist on the table. "I thought we were getting Thai food." Hawkeye joked. This was greeted by an assault of crumpled up paper and pens. "Okay! Okay! I'm just joking!" Hawkeye complained. "Hey guys, why don't we just get a plain cheese pizza?" Bruce suggested. "NO!" the rest of the Avengers simultaneously objected.

Just then, Tony Stark strolled by, casually whistling something that vaguely sounded like Black Sabbath's "Iron Man". "Hey, Tony, we're ordering pizza. You want anything specific?" Cap asked. "Nah, just breadsticks. Hey, if Nick Fury asks where I am, lie." And with that, he sped out of the room. "What the-," Widow began. "TOOONYYYY!" Nick Fury came bursting through the door, covering his left eye with his hand. "Where'd that billionaire brat go? I'm gonna pound him into the ground so hard, he's gonna become a fossil!" "Um, what happened to your eye?" Thor questioned "He took my eye patch!" Nick slowly removed his hand from his face. "Ah!" Cap put his hands up to shield his view from Fury's mutilated eye…but it looked perfectly normal. "Hey, your eye looks fine!" Banner noticed. "So why do you where that eye patch anyway?" he continued. "'Cause I like to keep the agents guessing." In a mock curious tone he continued. "Ooh, what happened to Nick Fury's eye? Did he lose it in an epic battle? Did he tear it out of his own head and exchange it for knowledge?" Thor shook his head at the reference to his father, Odin. Fury continued, "Did he lose it in a bathroom or kitchen accident? No. It's just fine. Now, as I asked earlier, which… way… did… Tony… go?" he spat through his teeth. The five Avengers at the table simultaneously pointed in the direction Tony went. "Thank you. Stark! Get your ass over here I know you've got my eye patch!" Fury hollered as he stormed out of the room and put his hand back over his eye.

Hawkeye looked around and jokingly asked "So, does this mean we're not getting pizza?" Everyone threw more paper and pens at him. "Okay! Enough with the paper and pens! Where are you getting them from anyway?" Hawkeye complained.

THE END

Disclaimer: I know Fury lost his eye in the comics, I just thought this would be fun. Also big thank you to my sister for helping me write this. BTW this is part 1 in a series of one- shot type stories about the Avengers. If you haven't seen the movie, do it. I guarantee it will change your life forever.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Tales from the Avengers**_

**Chapter 2: Captain Iron Man**

"Tony, I'm starting to think this was a bad idea." Captain America said with just a touch of unease. He was standing on the roof of Stark Tower™ fully adorned in the Mark VI Iron Man Armor™. Tony was behind and to Cap's right, Hawkeye to the left and Black Widow and Pepper watched from a distance. Thor and Hulk were off on separate missions. "If I'm not mistaken, _you_ asked _me_ if you could do this, and I graciously obliged." Well that was _somewhat_ true. Cap did ask Tony if he could try the suit, but the billionaire was initially less willing to grant Steve the privilege.

"I think he'll do just fine." Hawkeye teased. "Hawkeye!" said Widow curtly. "What? You know I'm teasing." Hawkeye countered. "Steve could hurt himself and others by doing this." Widow replied in a dead serious tone. This wiped the smirk off the sharpshooters face. "Yeah Tony, are you sure this is safe?" Pepper questioned. "Seriously, I'm on the Cap's side now." Hawkeye added.

"Okay, can everyone please _stop_? You are _not_ helping." Cap insisted. "Relax," Tony said "nothing bad will happen. If Cap thinks he can't maintain control, all he has to do is tell JARVIS and he'll fly back here." He explained. Cap took one look at everyone on the roof and turned back toward the edge of the building.

"So, just say the word and JARVIS takes over?" Cap checked. "You have my word as a fellow Avenger." Tony assured. Cap was glad that the mask on the suit was closed because he grimaced in the helmet.

Cap took one last deep breath… jumped off the building… and fell straight down. Tony activated his headset. "Cap, ya there?" he asked. "Steve, come in!" Tony yelled, sounding genuinely concerned. No response. Everyone had a mixture of shock, horror, and seriousness in their expressions.

"Why does everyone look so glum?"Cap teased. Everyone on Tony's roof looked up and saw Captain… er… Iron Man, flying loose circles around Tony's building. Everyone looked relieved, especially Tony. Well everyone except Widow, who looked about ready to kill Steve if he was on the ground.

"This is fun! Is this how you feel every time you fly?" Cap asked in excitement. "Yeah." Tony answered, a wide grin spreading across his face. "Amazing isn't it?" Hawkeye just stood there, head craned up and mouth slightly agape. "I'll… be… damned." he said in astonishment.

"Tony, you think we should tell him to come down?" Pepper asked. Tony looked up at Captain Iron Man and back at his girlfriend. "Nah, let's let the Captain have his fun." Everyone agreed and went inside to have shawarma.

**One Hour Later…**

"Okay, I think that's enough." Steve decided. But, there was a problem. "Uh JARVIS, how do I land?" No response. "JARVIS?" Steve asked. "Tony?" Still no response. "Anyone?"

**THE END**

**A/N:**This isn't a disclaimer but I'd like to keep doing this. Captain America + Iron Man FTW! Seriously I thought this would be hilarious idea. Not quite as funny as the previous one but close. I wrote this chapter alone but my sister proof read it so big thanks once again.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Sorry for not posting in a while, I'm in Miami right now and haven't gotten a chance to write. Thank you so much for your reviews.

_**Tales from the Avengers**_

**Chapter 2: The Bar Scene**

So, a genius- billionaire- playboy- philanthropist and a gamma ray physicist walk into a bar. Exactly. Tony and Bruce decided to bond over some drinks at one of the best bars in New York city, Bar 13 (this is an actual bar). The other Avengers and Nick Fury were understandably uneasy about the whole thing.

"I don't see the problem." Bruce said to Fury. The director of SHIELD glared at the scientist. "The _problem _is that the other guy could tear apart half of New York. And that's without any alcohol." Fury countered. "Director, Tony, Bruce and I have discussed this. I'll be watch from another roof. If the other guy surfaces, I'll just hit him with a tranquilizer arrow." Hawkeye explained without being a smart-ass. "Yeah don't worry Nick. He'll be with me." Tony quipped as he put his arm around Bruce's shoulder. Fury looked over at Tony and in a dead serious tone answered, "That's _exactly _what I'm afraid of."

Long story short, Fury finally agreed and the two scientist pals sat across from each other on the outside patio of the bar. Tony was having a dirty martini while Bruce chose a Bud Light. "So Bruce, what was that business in Burma about?" Bruce chuckled lightly. "No big deal. A bunch of AIM scientists, experimental weapons, you know, the usual." He explained. Just then a couple of scantily clad women in their late 20s walked up to Tony and Bruce's table.

"Hey Tony." One of the women greeted. She had blonde hair, fair skin and big blue eyes. "Do I know you?" Tony asked. As it turned out, the two women stripped for him a few years back at a joint just up the road, which they reminded him of. "Oh. Well, now I have a girlfriend." The two women groaned. "I bet it's that redhead who wears the tacky pantsuits." The other one sarcastically commented. She had black hair and hazel eyes.

Bruce was fed up with these strippers already. "Her name is Pepper." The gamma ray expert spat. "What's that?" the blonde asked. "Virginia "Pepper" Potts to be accurate." Tony added. "I wasn't talking to you _dweeb._" The blonde insulted. "What did you just call me?" Bruce asked in a very agitated tone. "Don't make him angry." Tony warned. "A dweeb, was that it!?" Bruce questioned; his voice loud enough for everyone in the immediate area to hear him. "Oh no, too late." Tony decided. "RRRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRR!" Everyone in the bar fled in panic, except for Bruce and Tony. That's right. No Hulk. Tony and Bruce gave each other a look and burst out laughing. Tony pounded his fist on the table while Bruce asked him if he saw the looks on everyone's faces.

"Boss I just heard a Hulk roar, but there's a stunning lack of Hulk." Hawkeye reported.

**THE END**

**A/N:** This always sounded like an interesting idea to me. Especially the idea of Bruce "Hulk roaring" without going Hulk. Not to mention I've wanted to expand on the Tony and Bruce friendship. BTW, the "business in Burma" was the mission that Bruce was on in the previous chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Tales from the Avengers**_

**Chapter 4: Let's Play a Game**

"Um, Clint? When you said you were bored and wanted to play a game, I thought you meant Halo or something. Not…this." Tony Stark was standing opposite of Clint Barton, AKA Hawkeye, with an apple balanced on his head. Clint took an arrow from his quiver and loaded his bow. "Oh, c'mon, Tony. William Tell is fun. Besides, I never miss." Clint quipped in his no-nonsense tone. "Said William to Joan." Tony answered sarcastically. "Good one." Clint aimed carefully, readjusting his position over and over. "Just get this over with, Katniss." Tony said. "Don't rush me. One slip and I'll end up skewering you between the eyes." "Wait a minute. You said you never miss!" It was then that Clint released the arrow, knocking the apple off of Tony's head and spearing it against the wall. Then it blew up.

"Ah!" Tony shrieked. "That was great! You should have seen your face!" Clint snickered. "Okay. You think that's funny? Wait right here."

**5 MINUTES LATER…**

"Tony. Please. This is ridiculous. You knew that I was going to hit the apple, right?" Hawkeye said nervously. Now the apple was balanced on _his_ head. Tony, however, was in his Mark 7 Iron Man armor. His repulsor gauntlet was trained on the shining red apple. "Relax, Clint, this thing is_ very _accurate." "Sir, I'm inclined to agree, even if you did manage to hit the apple, the heat from the blast could…" "Hush, JARVIS." Tony silenced his robot assistant. "Okay, Tony, how about this. You _don't_ blast me, and we never play William Tell ever again. Deal?" Clint pleaded. "Hmm…" Tony weighed this option. "Not good enough." "I'll pay for your share in takeout food for a month." "Warmer. But first…" Tony fired the repulsor gauntlet and turned the apple into apple sauce. "Oh, gross!" Clint complained as the warm goo dripped down his face. "There. Now we're even." Tony smirked.

**THE END**

Hello, readers of fanfiction! I'm Corsair's sister, ImWithTheBand97. I forgot the password for my account, which I had no stories on and am currently making a new account, so this is my first fanfic. If you knew what William Tell was before you read this, great. It is basically shooting an apple off of your friend's head with an arrow. A man named William used to play this game with his wife, Joan, until he shot her between the eyes one day, as referenced above.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Tales From the Avengers**_

A/N: This is ImWithTheBand121. Warning, there is drug use in this chapter.

**Chapter 5: On a High**

The Avengers, minus Thor, Black Widow, and Tony, all sat around the octagonal glass table on board the Helicarrier, waiting to be briefed for their next mission. Hawkeye checked his watch for the umpteenth time. "Where are Fury and the others? Are we on Cuban time or something?" He asked. Captain America shrugged, turning from side to side in his swivel chair. "My high school science teacher always said, 'Early is on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable.'" Said Bruce, who was doodling geometric shapes on a crumpled up piece of paper. Hawkeye nodded. "Yeah, and I don't see anyone heeding those words of wisdom."

Tony walked in just then, carrying a Tupperware container filled with brownies. "Sorry I'm late, guys." He said, taking his seat between Bruce and Cap. "But Nick left these brownies in my room. They are uh-may-freakin-zing." Tony set the brownies in the middle of the table and gestured for the others to take some. "Whoa, hold on, Fury gave those to you?" Cap asked, skepticism coating his voice. Tony stuffed a brownie into his mouth. "Um, yeah? Your point?" "He kind of hates you, Tony. What if he did something bad to those brownies?" Tony rolled his eyes. "Steve, come on. Fury doesn't _hate _me, per se, I just annoy him sometimes. I like to consider this a peace offering. Besides, I've had like five of these and I'm fine."

**A Few Brownies Later**

"I hate to say 'I told you so', but I told you so." Captain America said, looking at the scene in front of him. Tony was lying on the floor giggling, Hawkeye was dancing on the table, and Bruce was sitting in the corner, surrounded by potato chip bags and snack foods, stuffing his face.

"Oh, crap!" Tony laughed. "I think Nick gave me pot brownies! Ha! That's hilarious!" He sat up on the floor. "Dance, Hawkeye, dance!" Hawkeye started cabbage patching on the table, and Tony joined him in singing "Party Rock Anthem". "Shake that…" They sang in unison. "Every day I'm shufflin'." Captain America shook his head. "You know, I think the best part about being injected with the Super Soldier Serum is than I can't get wasted. This is very entertaining."

Fury, Widow, and Thor came in. "Sorry we're late. We were discussing…" Fury was stopped by the sight of his intoxicated team. "What are you guys doing?" Widow asked. "Hawkeye, get down from there, you look like an idiot." Hawkeye hopped down from the table, wobbling a little. "I think… your mom looks like an idiot!" Hawkeye joked. He and Tony busted out laughing. "How dare you insult this woman's mother?" Thor bellowed. Widow turned to Thor. "I got this." She whispered. "How dare you insult my mother?"

Bruce threw an empty box of Twizzlers on the ground. "Dang it! That was the last of the food! I need more. I've never been so hungry. I need more food!"He shouted. The last part sounded a bit like Gollum from_ Lord of the Rings_. Cap produced a candy bar from his pocket and handed it to Bruce, who immediately began to gobble it up. Fury shook his head. "I think I know what's going on here. See, I gave Tony a batch of brownies with marijuana in them, to teach him a lesson, and it looks like he was kind enough to share." Tony hugged Nick, then Thor. "Hmm." He purred, rubbing his face against Thor's shoulder. "You have pretty eyes." Thor awkwardly pried Tony's arms off. "So, they are intoxicated. That is why they are behaving so strangely?" Thor asked. Nick nodded. Widow cocked her head to the side. "Wait a minute, Nick. Why do _you_ of all people have marijuana?" She asked, folding her arms over her chest. Fury looked nervously at her, then at Tony and the other wasted Avengers. "Um…" he stammered. "I know a guy."

That's it. Hope you enjoyed it. This chapter was inspired by the Garage Sale episode of _That 70's Show_. Sorry it's been so long since our last update. Also, I just want to say that I enjoy writing for Hawkeye. Can you tell?


	6. Chapter 6

_**Tales from the Avengers**_

**Chapter 6: The Extended Shawarma Scene**

**A/N:** Personally I think the silence in this scene was the funniest thing about it, but I'll attempt to make it funnier by extending the scene to allow for dialog.

The recently victorious Avengers sat around a circular table in a tucked away Mediterranean restaurant eating a common staple of the region. Unfortunately, all but one of the Avengers seemed underwhelmed by the meal.

After a long and comically awkward silence, Hawkeye spoke up. "This is shawarma?" he asked in a disappointed tone of voice. "Yeah, what's wrong with it?" Tony replied. "Do I have to spell it out? It's just a gyro." The sniper shot back.

"Okay Clint, let me enlighten you." Tony began in a scholarly voice "Shawarma is a combination of meats roasted on a spit, put in pita bread with veggies and Mediterranean sauces." Hawkeye wasn't impressed. "That's a gyro." He groaned. "Yeah, that's a regular gyro." Black Widow added.

"You know what; I think you all should be a _little_ more appreciative since I suggested this place, not to mention I'm paying." Tony replied. Captain America removed the napkin from his face and pointed out, "I lost all the money I had on that bet, Thor is from a different dimension, Clint doesn't have pockets, Bruce is your best friend now, and you only paid for Widow to be polite."

Since no one (not even Hawkeye or Tony) seemed able to effectively respond, the Avengers resumed their awkward silence until Hawkeye came to a sudden realization. "I do remember the guy at the counter saying that shawarma contains chicken." He said in a low, defeated voice.

"Sometimes you mortals baffle me beyond belief." Thor stated.

**A/N:** So concludes another chapter. I know Bruce didn't get any lines but he probably respected Tony enough not to bug him about it. Anyway this was just an idea inspired by the end of _The Avengers_ that I thought would be funny. Please tell me what you think.


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